Saturday, December 6, 2014

My SUV mind as well be a mini van

The other day, while driving my three little adorable monsters to the gym, Jake pipe’s up from the back seat.
“Mom, I wiped my boogers on your window again”
Again?!?!?! Implying I have been inadvertently exposing the back of my shoulders to all sorts of nastiness every time I get the kids in and out of their car seats ?!?!?!?! GROSS, I vomit a little in my mouth realizing I will have to clean this up. Five minutes later Jake also informs me
“I am done my snack”
I had given him a nutragrain bar (yes, mom of the year) which I know has a wrapper, and it’s probably covered in crumbs and gooey filling.
“Jake, where’d you put the wrapper?”
“In the garbage” he happily replies.
Two things are wrong with this; one, he’s strapped into his car seat and his arms have about a one foot radial reach. Two, there is absolutely no garbage can, container, bin or bag of any sorts in my car. Yep, he threw it straight on the floor.
Mental note, Appendix: Pay Backs a B*tch- When Jake is driving me to doctors’ appointments in my senile years- I am totally picking my nose and wiping it on the dashboard.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Parent Teacher Interviews aka "my kid does what?!?!"

Jake's parent teacher interviews were last week. I was naive enough to think “my child is perfect, what could they say?” WELL, let me tell you, apparently my child doesn’t know how to jump. He also appears so tiered he sometimes lays down on the floor because “it looks like he physically does not have the strength to sit up”. He has no idea what his colors are or what “craft time” means. He can’t put his own shoes or jacket on, and seldom remembers his school bag... it goes on like this. Of course they do mention he’s a very sweet boy- apparently he’s not swearing at school so I’ll mark that one down as a win.

My mind is totally blown. Are you sure you are talking about my kid? Yes, yes they are.

So here is a video I randomly took- it blew their minds.
Kids do the strangest things, you just never know what they are up to!

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Out-sourcing poop on ice?

There are two parenting jobs that I would outsource if I could:

1.       Potty Training

2.       Teaching a kid to ice skate

Potty Training- To you lucky folks who send your kids to daycare in diapers and they come home potty trained- I hate you.… to you moms who are forced to turn your beautiful home into a living toilet getting them trained- I feel your pain! Earlier today, my 4 year old and 2 year old were arguing over who’s the “better pooper”. If you’d like me to weigh in, they are both terrible! I have had to clean up more poop than I could have ever imagined!

Ice Skating- sure you can sign up for lessons. After all, that’s what we did. But you know what happens at lessons? The skate instructor tells you to stand in front of your kid and hold their hands (this apparently teaches them the proper balance or something- I couldn’t hear the explanation over the sounds of my child screaming bloody murder about hating his skates). After they refuse to stand for the first ten minutes of class, you end up holding them under their armpits. I have short children, but honestly, this does not matter. ALL kids are way too short to be holding up on ice skates for 30 minutes. When the class is over, you are permanently bent in the shape an upside down U, and by the time the kinks in your back straighten out- it’s been a full week, and your back to skating class. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Like potty training you press on and voilĂ  after ten of the longest weeks of your life your kid can skate in underwear- no accidents!
Week 2/10- crossing my fingers that Cohen catches on to both quicker than Jake!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I'd like a side of Sass with that.

Having three boys’ means that normally I don't have to deal with that much ‘tude or sass. However, today my four year old decided to take a run at it. We were talking about Northern lights and Inuksuk (yeah- I had to look it up too, and I like to think I am pretty smart), when out of nowhere he gets up, tells me,

“I am not talking about this anymore” as he back hand waves to me and walks away down the hallway. I, in my nicest, not losing my sh#t voice say,

“Jake sweets, come back, mommy doesn’t know what color northern lights are” to which he replies,

“That’s not my problem!”

EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?! Oooooooooo toddler, you better believe it’s your problem now! I then pulled parenting move #53- the guilt trip lie- you’re making baby polar bears cry, nice work. As always, he apologized and we went back to talking about whether or not he thought polar bears knew what Inuksuk’s were for. Short answer- they only care to eat the Inuit building them…. Jakes words, not mine.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Where's Alfie

If I was a kid right now, I would love this new Christmas Tradition known as 'Elf on a Shelf'. However, I am not a kid- I am a parent. I, like many of you, was sucked in to purchasing this because "elf is the new orange" or whatever. Now I have to waste hours and hours of time on Pinterest (like this is torture... let's be real, I LOVE Pinterest) pinning ideas about what this little rascal is going to be up to for the next 24+ days. I must admit, the crafter in me gets super ambitious, but then the lazy in me takes over and we only "elf" for a solid ten minutes before the kids wake up. Regardless of our efforts (elaborate or minimalistic) the boys seem to truly be amazed at our little Alfie.

This year I made the mistake of unpacking him with the Christmas decorations *sigh* so we have already had to start creating the elaborate lie that is Santa's little snitch. On the plus side- my fireball Cohen (2 yo) ripped Alfie's little hat off, one less part of him to worry about! He doesn't understand the "no touching" part. I must admit, I did have a silent celebration of "take that you time suck". Today Alfie was trying to catch gold fish crackers with a Q-tip, you're welcome for my SUPER creative idea ;)

Who's Mommy's Favorite, Erika

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

So Here's My Blog

I must start off by saying, I am not a writer. In fact, if you asked my third grade teacher, she would give you the back of her hand for even suggesting I TRY writing for people to read (NOT a fan of my hilarious nature, bad grammar/spelling/pencil holding techniques). Needless to say, here I am, website grader told me my website needed a blog.

I do enjoy making people laugh, and laughing myself. They say the most brilliant people are the funny ones. I tell myself I keep great company... being with the brilliant that is. This blog will not so much be about my business ( in case you were wondering). But about my journey as a mom, no-holds barred. Enjoy my future posts, and regardless of what I write- I love my children and family deeply... even *if* they decide to take their pants off in the middle of Wal-Mart and yell that their making the Kraft Dinner boxes extra yellow. Short, Sweet, and exactly what your day needs.


Who's Mommy's Favorite, Erika